Knocks late in the night


During the night there was this kind of thumping at a door inside my head, I quickly jumped up out of my comfy bed to open it.

As I moved towards the door, I felt a weird sensation run through my body. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up and the beating of my heart engulfed my sense of hearing. It was dark, but I could see the outline of my apartment as I made my way to the door. Everything seemed to move in slow motion. I saw each step my slippers took, I felt the air move around my nose and mouth as I sipped the air, and I saw my hand reach for the key to unlock the door. A version of myself inside was saying "no, no, no", but a curious part of me, cheekily ignored whatever my nervous system said...and so I went.


As I opened the door it flung open so quickly, like someone had kicked it from the outside. Within seconds everything that I had worked so hard to protect, all the effort that I had put in to get to this point, was washed away.


Once the bright light from outside the door dimmed, my hand in front of my face so I could see, there it was, in all the colours I remembered. The deafening sound of glass smashing, the smell of fear lingering in the air.

My past has come back to taunt me.


Here I am, back at the bottom of the rock wall. Looking up through the gauge I can see the bright blue sky, my mind knowing and willing for the climb back to the top. But this time I have muscle memory on my side, every cell in my body knows exactly what it takes to get back to the top. Fleeting moments entered my mind

"Why did you open the door - I told you not to?" But the lesson of life goes...


I will take my time. I will sit here and wallow. I will feel everything that needs to be felt and when the moment is right, I will start my ascend. But for this moment I will revel in my body, not to rush something that is so special, but rather feel every step of the way.


So, what if I scrape my knee on the way up or fall back a little because of the weather change. This time I will light a little fire on the side of the cliff and wait until the sun comes to kiss my eyes at dawn. I will not be reduced by something that has been one of my largest life lessons, instead, I will rise. Because now I know that life can be this heartbreaking devastating palpable truth of existence, but if we are not shown this side to life then how can we see the reverse?


It's times like these I have learned to be grateful because it's from this space where I have learnt never to expect anything. Never judge anyone or anything, and never label events through time. And so, the climb begins...


"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment" ~Buddha~

 

A final note from Tara


I hope you enjoyed my diary entry! If you have anything to share, please add it here Care to Share Box.

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